20 Tips To Lead with Resilience & Emotional Intelligence

LEADING WITH RESILIENCE & EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

The Female Factor is a leadership program for women to boost their confidence and have a positive presence in their business, workplace and community. Women have the X Factor, the chromosomal difference which when celebrated, and lived, makes a remarkable difference to the lives of others.

The Female Factor is a leadership program for women to boost their confidence and have a positive presence in their business, workplace and community. Women have the X Factor, the chromosomal difference which when celebrated, and lived, makes a remarkable difference to the lives of others.

To future-proof yourself, your career, your business, your workplace and community, we look to building skills, furthering our knowledge, increasing our connections and continue to squeeze in doing a bloody good job at our current role, or should I say, roles.

Taking on additional roles, for women, is just in our DNA; we need to boost our resilience and our emotional intelligence to maintain the momentum and tuned into our mind, body & soul.

We need to consciously build our muscles and skills in these two areas, resilience and emotional intelligence, to enable us to lead our life, business and a workplace.

These 20 tips, which I’ve gathered through observation, my reading, research, my own practice and through the many conversations with women on my The Female Factor Leadership Program.

 

I’ve categorized these tips into three levels:

PREPARATION – start with the internal; think and feel, don’t rush in too quickly, get yourself mentally and emotionally prepared

PRACTISE – share the practice by practising together, creating a movement by being a role-model and holding yourself accountable; people will begin to expect what you expect and more likely to follow your lead

PERMANENCY – consider achieving a habit status of being resilient and emotionally intelligent.

 

PREPARATION

Principles: re-evaluate your principles and consider how these align with resilience & emotional intelligence. Being principally minded means saying “no” when necessary if you find you are hurtling down the old familiar track of saying “yes” to please, when behaviours are disconnected from what’s most important to you.

People Person: have a mindset that you are a ‘people person’ with the intent to set your team up for effective, happy and positive work experiences. With a desire to achieve this goal, you know that you need to be more mindful of how you work and lead people.

Picture of Shared Success: move from being self-centred to a place of shared success. Continually visualise how ‘we can do this together’, remind yourself that you’re not on your own, that asking for help is normal and that asking for others’ point of views is sharing the load.

Perspective: a critical element of emotional intelligence is gaining perspective about what’s important and what’s a waste of your energy. Recognise that you are human and that it’s tough to keep focused. Humans are social beings and appreciate social connection, not just pumping out volumes of work.

Permission: give yourself permission to be vulnerable and apply a new approach to how you operate – give yourself permission to talk about how you’re feeling and how you want to feel. The Female Factor is about celebrating your feelings.

Ponder thoughts: question yourself about your feelings. Have an internal conversation and journal your thoughts about your feelings. This is one of your first emotionally intelligent practices to make a change in your leadership style. Insight and hindsight open the door to foresight – the aim to use your X factor in The Female Factor.

Purpose: remind yourself of your purpose of being resilient and tuning into your emotional intelligence. Write yourself a mantra or put a reminder on your phone – let it be the purpose of your day.

 

PRACTISE

Passion: pour your passion into exercising your resilience and emotional intelligence and it will do the heavy lifting.

Presence: your presence captures the hearts and minds of the people in the room in which you walk into; it’s how you converse, approach people, engage and leave the room. How you hold yourself and communicate, is determined by your resilience and your emotional framework.

Pause: before you react to something or with someone, PAUSE and consider how you could respond better, knowing what you know about other people, your PAUSE is your weapon of choice.

Partner with your Team be their coach, help them learn and increase their performance. Be sincere and humble. Don’t be a ‘know all’, rather partner up and practise and learn together.

Power: know that your power can be perceived positively and negatively; be in control of your own power, in your language and actions. Being ‘right all the time’ and your status can damage the resilience and relationship with others. Use your power for the force of good. Apologize when you wouldn’t to value your relationship over your ego.

Positive Interactions: look for opportunities to find positive interactions with team members which you can provide positive feedback. The biggest disconnect in business is feedback – we don’t reassure and reinforce what we expect.

Point of View: leaders need to be trusted, quickly, and what engenders this trust is being heard, empathised with understood. Your point of view is secondary. It’s paramount to hear your team and colleagues’ point of view to reduce fear, anxiety and create hope and joy in the workplace.

Protect your feelings: become more aware of how you respond to feedback (verbal and your body language). Flip how you react and respond and welcome any feedback as being helpful feedback – whether that be about yourself or a ‘window’ into understanding the other person better.

 

PERMANENCY

Perfection: this is the enemy of the good – don’t believe it will happen overnight and don’t believe it will have an end – you’ll always be aiming to practise to be perfect and the goal posts will move, and you’ll be tested to the core. Focus on practising, not perfecting.

Personal Plan: sharpen your Emotional Intelligence by making time to purposely behave with emotional intelligence and record reactions and responses. Plan to maintain your resilience by equipping your resources into the categories of emotional, physical, mental and social which you can tap into when needed.

Practise the Practice: continue to share with your team that you’re practising resilience and emotional intelligence to heighten their awareness of the behaviours which make the difference.

Persistence – keep at it, keep practising, keep experimenting, keep tweaking and above all, remind yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Permanent – as James Clear said in his book, Atomic Habits, it may take 10,000 hours to form a new habit. Good Luck to make your resilient and emotional intelligence, permanent!

Please connect and contribute to this list of my tips to practise and in particular, lead others in Resilience and Emotional Intelligence. There so many wonderful practices practised by people which I haven’t captured. Your sharing will boost the resilience of other women.

For details about The Female Factor - CLICK HERE

To connect with me and discuss how we can potentially work together - CLICK HERE

THE X FACTOR - THE FEMALE FACTOR

THE X FACTOR - THE FEMALE FACTOR

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Champagne Consultants

In my recent ‘Champagne Consultants’ meeting, they’re my Brains Trust, their feedback hit me; “when you talk about the work you do with women, The Female Factor, your face lights up.”

It’s interesting what others observe in us when we’re in the arena.

What subject makes your face light up?

My subject is ‘Women and the need to have more female leaders in our business and community.

I’ve deducted that women carry so much baggage from their current and past roles, including home and work life, that they’re exhausted when they arrive into the present; too weighed down, missing opportunities which require them to make a sprint.

My goal is to take their baggage, unpack it, repack it with items which will never date and remove what’s unfashionably heavy and holding them back.

I recall wearing a grey suit to the office and I immediately felt ‘one of them’ – a feeling which I was unconsciously aiming to achieve. I was generally one of the few females in the office. When I reflect on my wardrobe’s era, it was a beautiful suit, however I wore it the least. I was the one wearing the canary yellow, the red and the green suit … I was fighting for my seat at the table, to be seen and heard!

It’s not 1920; it’s 2019 and before we know it, it will be 2020.

How do you want our workplaces to feel and appeal to your crew, clients and colleagues?

I don’t and shouldn’t need to share this, but I’m going to.

Women are unique; to begin with, they have the X factor – they have an extra X Chromosome. This chromosome gives us the estrogen which filtrates our bodies, think of periods, pregnancy, post-natal depression, inability to fall pregnant and then it depletes when we travel through menopause. (I’m not going to linger here – that’s another story.)  These bodies of ours are wired differently. And then, there are the emotions associated with all these changes!

Women can’t be treated equal; we are unique. We bring a different and diverse set of behaviours, strengths and feelings to the table which are needed for fair appraisal of decisions in the workplace.

More men need to sit at the table – the kitchen table (Who said that?) and more women need to sit at the boardroom table.

We are all responsible to have women at the table yet it’s reliant that there is a belief and desire to be in these leadership positions. Whether it’s leading a project, being the gatekeeper to the CEO (there are some awesome EAs) or a first-time team leader.

My 12-year-old daughter proclaimed this week that she’s going to become the Prime Minister of Australia. She’s disillusioned with the behaviour of the male leaders. Only three years earlier she was surprised that I had a female doctor; she believed only men were doctors and women were nurses.

There’s a gender deafness when there is only one women in parliament.

We are stuck; sadly, women are stuck because we are invisible. There are so few women at the table that men don’t notice us, let alone hear us. As Julie Bishop, former Foreign Minister in the Australian Federal Government said, “there’s a gender deafness when there is only one (or a few) women in Parliament.”

There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support each other.

And worse still, some women, don’t support each other. It’s one of the worst offences in business and I believe there should be a punishable charge for being guilty of this inaction. Madeleine Albright, First Female Secretary of State of the United States of America said, “there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support each other.”

What got you here, won’t get you there.

Being stuck needs action. You may know or not know you are stuck. And being pulled out is a step in the right direction; a woman needs to take control; make a choice of the change she wants to see and develop a system of behaviours to make that happen. What got you here, won’t get you there as Marshall Goldsmith, world leader in the art of coaching, told us on the front cover of his 2007 book.

Or, maybe the woman has been thrown in the deep end, into a position with no training or experience. She’ll have the technical expertise yet missed receiving the manual to follow the function of a leader.

Let’s proactively help women around us. Whether you’re a man or woman reading this (thanks for staying with me) we need to act.

Women are less likely to do this alone - they have less ego and bravado of her male counterparts. I suspect this stems from the testosterone levels in their chromosomal composition! Men sit, stand, speak, show and share differently.  Sadly, we want to be treated equal, when, how can we? What we want, is to be included. The more we seek equality, the more closed we become at seeing our uniqueness.

Let’s concentrate on enabling females to become who they are and ask males to make space at the table for the female heads, hearts, and hands.

 

THE FEMALE FACTOR – A LEADERSHIP PROGRAM TO FUTURE PROOF YOU & YOUR BUSINESS

The Female Factor was created when a client solidified what I was observing in client workplaces. She said, “we need to help women with a ladder of frameworks, tools, techniques and tips to have presence in the room to confidently speak and take a lead.”

The speed to arrive at achieving this confidence and presence isn’t breaking any records. If anything, some businesses should be charged for going too slow, if not backwards. Those racing ahead have role-models, mentors and coaches and a clearly defined map.

However, life isn’t always laid out that way and often the confidence prohibits the urgency to request help.

I’ve researched this desire and business requirement and created a system to fast-track women to an awareness of the route on the map and arrive at where X marks the spot.

 

These are five factors for the journey to arrive at The Female X Factor:

1.      Know your fundamental motive - your reason, purpose, philosophy, drive and allow these to do the heavy lifting when you find yourself failing.

2.      Be the force. Be strong and identify with your leadership style. Find folk who will lift you, challenge you, sing your praise and remind you to play to your strengths.

3.      Be flexible rather than fixed with your communication. Use your three key intelligence: emotional, conversational and relational to build and give trust.

4.      Flip your thinking and focus on what you can confidently do and watch your facade take on a reputational presence.

5.      Find opportunities to continue learning, experimenting with the exercises, connecting with other female leaders and developing your super X factor.

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Investing in women/yourself, giving permission to someone to guide you to focus on what is more effective for your performance, rather than listening to the loudest voice, the one in your head is the ultimate approach to an agile mindset, ready and flexible to grow the X Factor.

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Psychological Safety

Warming up the room. Making the space safe & creating trustworthiness.

When I work with women, I mold a psychologically safe space to connect and communicate, to be open to hear new and wise words. And, when women get together, there’s a vibe which feels like an electric blanket on a cold evening in a strange bed. There’s an immediate warmth which enables you to quickly relax and feel comfortable and trusted.

The pace of business is demanding that we provide professional development in shorter sessions, aka masterclasses, hosted in the early hours of the day or as evening classes to cause minimal interruption to the business.  Although we know there is tremendous outcomes associated with having day long focused sessions, thankfully I have tested its ability to be delivered over multiple sessions.

Now is the time to consider how it’s possible to create the opportunity for the women in your organisation to get together and celebrate their uniqueness, differentiate themselves from their male counterparts and think and focus on their future as leaders of their workplace and community.

Let’s connect to have that conversations.

 A SPECIAL PROJECT - THE FEMALE FACTOR FOR SOLE TRADERS

One of my projects is hosting a group of women who don’t have business/corporate/government funding to participate in The Female Factor. I’m thinking entrepreneurs, small business operators, sole traders, freelancers and consultants.

Do you fit one of these categories?

I want to offer you the opportunity to participate on this program. This may involve some face-to-face (the more the better) or by virtual connection and a conversation hub to enable you to create your own X Factor Tribe.

Who do you know who would sponsor this project? Are you a government department leader who values the growth of women leaders or you’d like to leave a legacy, investing in female leadership?

I’d welcome this very important conversation.

 

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ARE YOU ACHIEVING EXTRAORDINARY RESULTS?

 

ARE YOU ACHIEVING EXTRAORDINARY RESULTS?

If you are achieving extraordinary results, I suspect you trust and are trusted by others. No matter what you are doing in life.

If you have the interest and agility to increase your results, consider the conversations you’ve had today; yesterday and the day before. If you deconstruct these conversations, what would you uncover about yourself? And, if you placed the results on a dashboard would the dial point to connected, productive or creative? Or would the dial move to the opposite side of this gauge – pointing to sceptic or resistor?

Judith E. Glaser, author of Conversational Intelligence – How Great Leaders Build Trust & Get Extraordinary Results, advises her readership and clients over the past 30 years that we’re probably speaking to and from the wrong brain – the Primitive Brain. (Who would have known?!)

By using your Executive brain, you’ll notice that this connection will alter everything: the way you phrase your greeting, ask your questions and how you offer or make comments. Rather than create distrust, this newish brain will build trust. And trust is the anchor in your relationships to weather all situations.

Whilst some of us might think our conversations are powerful, we may be failing to see the impact these interactions have on others. We need to heighten our awareness and increase our use of the Conversational Intelligence (C-IQ) skill which connects intentions with impact.

Judith’s goal is to help you move from operating at C-IQ ‘Level I – transactional’ (how to exchange data and information) and make the quantum leap to the learnable C-IQ ‘Level III – transformational’ (how to co-create conversations for mutual success). Put simply, change to a listener rather than a teller.

Your Conversational Dashboard ... where's your dial pointing?

Your Conversational Dashboard ... where's your dial pointing?

The new language is co-create – working together, cutting through bureaucracy, hierarchical levels, removing the need to be right all the time, in an effort to build a successful culture. This is done by influencing each other’s neurochemistry, while we express our inner thoughts and feelings to strengthen relationships while making sense of the world. Too easy!

Which brain do you operate from?

We have five brains according to the research which Judith shares liberally – each brain having an influence on our conversational ability. The Primitive brain, which hosts the fear mongering Amygdala, operates differently to our Prefrontal Cortex (Executive brain) which is activated when we feel we can trust others.

 

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As leaders, we unconsciously drip-feed our teams with ‘conversational cocktails’; resulting in the team being drunk with happiness, excitement and enthusiasm, or, all too often, they start acting like angry animals.  The ‘cocktail’ is a mixture of biochemicals triggered by what you do and say. The chemicals, oxytocin (bonding), dopamine (when you’re right) and serotonin (happiness) are released if your conversation is at ‘Level III’ – when you and the team are working to achieve a mutually successful outcome.

When what we say, what we hear, and what we mean are not in agreement, we retreat into our heads and make up stories that help us reconcile the discrepancies.

So, when what we say, what we hear and what we mean are not in agreement, we retreat into our heads and make up stories that help us reconcile the discrepancies. We make “movies” and generally fail to connect.

If you were to replay ‘the movie’ of a recent staff meeting, what would you see and hear? Would you see the same people sitting in the same spots, hear the same people speak and see the agenda following a similar pattern? To make a change, Judith recommends commencing with a ‘Rules of Engagement’ activity which talks to the Amygdala, calming it down to be more fully engaged with the meeting intent. Similarly, when we host a workshop or conference – we break the ice with this style of activity to build trust in the group – we talk to the Amygdala!

The term ‘intelligence’ was brought alive with the advance of Emotional Intelligence (EQ); which is differentiated by Judith: “Emotional Intelligence is about self-regulation whereas conversational intelligence is about co-regulation”. I get this and it will be the EQ leader who will ease into becoming a C-IQ leader. One who will masterfully observe their inner world of desires whilst observing the impact of their actions on others.

I am currently reading Big Magic, by Elizabeth Gilbert. It’s my 30th book. I’m a little behind with reviews as I found writing about Conversational Intelligence a challenge. I’m not totally sure why, the content isn’t new to me – it’s probably deciding what to share with you and what not to include!

Please take the opportunity to read this book. It’s a definite ‘must read’ to learn how to train your brain and ultimately achieve extraordinary results in your endeavours.

I have been inundated with questions about my reading project, in particular, my ability to read so many books. Well, I do read, I don’t listen to the books and I know that I am a disciplined person who enjoys learning what others are learning. I believe you must keep ahead of the amazing information and practices which others are successfully applying in their Leadership Practices.

I’m endeavouring to read 52 Business/Professional/Personal Development books in 52 weeks. Yep, that’s one a week. As I read each book, I’ll share my thoughts, learning and recommendations. If there is a book that you’ve been meaning to read, let me know and I’ll read it for us!

THE NEED FOR DISCOMFORT

THE NEED FOR DISCOMFORT

Here I am, at my 21st book, reviewing its content using my leadership lens. To be honest, the lens fell off at times and I found myself shifting in my seat with the discomfort of truth.  Powerful questions made me stop and ponder, thinking about my current life, causing more discomfort.

My new discomfort is still being experienced as I am yet to complete the many exercises I commenced (they could take some time which I don’t have at the moment) which all appeared so very worthwhile. (I hope I get back to them.)

The Unlimited Self by Jonathan Heston was a free download onto my Kindle. I was dubious … as they say ‘you get what you pay for’ so I was pleasantly surprised that I was onto something great.

Jonathan has produced a useful ‘self-help’ book which I believe is a crucial read for those who are either looking for the next best thing in life or on the extreme end of the life continuum, experiencing doubt in their life and need support; in particular, guidance with a path or map to follow.

From a leadership perspective, The Unlimited Self offers a new communication style and language to help the leader understand how to help people who are in their comfort zone and need to be pushed to their edge – to feel some vulnerability or at least feel a need for change.

I highlighted these particular statements which I’ve reread a few times:

·        Accept the reality of your weakness – its feedback where you can grow.

·        Perceptions hold you back – from where you are and where you want to be

·        Limiting beliefs are stories our mind feeds us which limit who we are and where we want to go. They disempower instead of empowering us.

·        We need to love and respect ourselves or everything disintegrates. We are the only filter between the world and ourselves.

·        Authenticity is you being the best you that you can possibly be.

·        Work harder on who you are, more than what you do.

·        How we view others is often a mirror of how we view ourselves.

·        Vulnerability is one of the most difficult habits to practice and develop. But it’s also incredibly rewarding

Like many of the books I have been reading, it is crowded with quotes … here’s a powerful one which: 

 

To destroy our limiting beliefs, and uncover the inner greatness, Jonathon suggests we need to reprogram our future self by:

·        Practising forgiveness as it is fundamental to free your perspective – even if you forgive yourself first. Try writing a forgiveness letter (you don’t have to send it).

·        Talking to our self! Try talking to yourself in the mirror (without giggling), out loud with meaning. Make powerful statements about your identity.

·        Meditating to be comfortable with yourself – 15-30 minutes a day (Yikes – this is my discomfort)

·        Use a journal morning and evening – writing questions that you seek to be answered by your subconscious mind and using it to write what you appreciate in life (I’ve changed from gratitude to appreciation.)

·        Find a group of people who allow you to be your future self – who are also wanting to live on the edge.

Reading books like this one make you pause from your busy hectic life. They make you ask questions of yourself and hopefully you’ll make time to answer them truthfully. Powerfully simple questions such as “Am I happy?”

To be an effective authentic leader, I suggest you read this book as it’s a great little tool to help you to help your team of followers be authentic. You could read it together!

Note: I also felt a level of discomfort with the references to ‘God’ in the second half of the book. I found it evoked my cynicism (very unlike me) and I am yet to understand why. I almost stopped reading the book because of this, however, I soldiered on, thankfully.

 

I’m endeavouring to read 52 Business/Professional/Personal Development books in 52 weeks. Yep, that’s one a week. As I read each book, I’ll share my thoughts, learning and recommendations. If there is a book that you’ve been meaning to read, let me know and I’ll read it for us!

 

Stress: Do you cause it or change it?

We all suffer periods of stress and some people experience continuous stress. Some will admit this, some ignore it (denial) and some don't even know it - it's become the norm feeling and behaviour in their life.

As I sip on my chamomile tea, I try and determine if I'm feeling stressed. It's school holidays, the kids are still in bed and I need to pack to venture off for a couple of days. No! I'm in control - at the moment.

What I am more intrigued about is the impact I have on others - do I cause them stress?  Is it a positive amount of stress e.g. Embarking on a new project or a negative quantity of stress e.g. Continuously not meeting project deadlines (which would not happen!)

Do you cause stress in others' lives? Is your behaviour causing anxiety?  

I believe we can be great leaders by creating a work environment which is mindful of peoples' lives and what's important to them. Whilst the workplace isn't the number one cause of stress (it's #6) according to the Australian Psychological Society's 2014 Australian Wellbeing Survey - if we know what causes stress we can educate, discuss and act on preventing the negative stress.

The greatest lesson I've learnt about stress is that it's all about 'change'. If we're experiencing stress - something has to change. If others are feeling anxious - something has changed to create that feeling which requires an intervention of understanding the change and having more control of the change.

Don't be guilty of causing stress: get planning, get talking and minimise the stress. And this isn't restricted to the workplace. Women stress most about money according to the survey (more than family) so let's alleviate this by creating opportunities for money to be better understood, access to financial education etc. If we can influence the stress factors, people will perform better in their roles. 

 

 

Source: https://www.psychology.org.au/NPW/survey/